Guest Post By Samy - Sex: The Good And The Bad!

Today's post is a guest post by Samy from Diary of an African Gyal (link at the end). If you haven't yet visited Samy's blog, here is a little more about her:

My name is Samy Tshimanga, I am a freelance blogger, columnist and media consultant.

Africa is home so I'm concerned with all her affairs. When I'm not writing, I am traveling and enjoying the different tastes of wine. I'm based in the U.S

Onto Samy's brilliant post about good and bad sex!

Sex: The Good And The Bad! by Samy

 



SEX ! The word that seems to bring us together but also can put us in different categories.  Also the word makes some of us feel uncomfortable for one reason or another. However, it is an activity that we all participate in. Just like activities you can be really good at it or really bad at it.

I hate to say it but we have all been a victim of bad sex! If you haven’t then you are lying or you just got real lucky. For some of the rest of us, we have. Now what constitutes as good sex? Or bad sex? Is there such thing?

This is clearly my opinion based on my experience. Now sex is like dancing you have to have rhythm. There has to be some flow to it. Guys girls don’t like to be rammed until the daylight comes. Girls don’t like when you just lay there and play dead either. Sex is a way to communicate with your partner. Your bodies do the talking. So listen to them. 

Sex is good when 2 things happen.

1)      When you are in love with your partner and your connection runs deep. So the emotional connection makes the sex 10 times better.

2)      I said sex is a way to communicate with your partner. With that being said, you have to tell what you like and what you don’t like. Don’t expect them to know if you don’t tell them.

 

Now what’s bad sex?

Remember the very 1^st time you had sex? Ok it was bad because you were inexperienced and did not know what it is going on. Let’s fast forward.

Bad sex:

1)      When there is no FOREPLAY involved! NO FOREPLAY! It goes all downhill from there. In the winter you just don’t turn your car on and drive. You let it heat up. Well that goes for women, turn us on and you are ensured a good time.

 

2)      3 PUMPS and DONE! (What about me? It takes a woman longer to reach her climax point.  So take your time.  It is not a competition, I promise.  There is nothing more pleasing when you climax simultaneously. *music to my ears*  

 

3)      DRUNK SEX ! No you would think the opposite because you are all hot and bothered. NOPE!  It’s all bad because it is actually your worst performance for many different reasons.  Both are sloppy. The fear someone might pass out (oops that was me).  I just fell asleep because alcohol makes me sleepy. 

 

Now I mentioned what’s good and what’s bad ? However notice I did not mention anything about size. Here is why. Size is not going to be the determinant. My motto “it isn’t the size of the ocean, it’s the motion of the ocean.” Meaning that just because he is huge does not necessary mean you are in for a good time. Just because of the misconception that small is bad, it ain’t all bad and bigger isn’t necessary better.

Overall sex is meant to be fun and relaxing. But here is my good citizen PSA: protect yourself and don’t go screwing everyone because you can. Have smart fun sex !

Happy F**king J

 

 

 

Time to show Samy some love! Visit her blog, follow her on Twitter, check out her magazine Dunia Magazine/Applause Africa, and of course, leave her some lovely comments below :)

 

 

Sex Before Marriage: Why I Chose Not To Wait

Sex before marriage. Should you? Shouldn't you?

I think it is a personal choice, and you should do (or not do) whatever feels right for you.

I think the main advantages to waiting are:

1. Assuming you both believe in waiting, there is very little risk of STDs (I say very little as obviously, there is still a small chance one of you could have HIV).

2. There is no chance of having a baby outside of marriage if you are religious and this is important to you.

3. I think knowing this is something you have only ever done with each other would make sex more special somehow (although that could just be romanticising the idea!).

I think the main disadvantages are:

1. What if you never get married!

2. What if you find you aren't sexually compatible. Marriage is a much bigger commitment than buying a car, and you certainly wouldn't buy a car with taking it on a test run right!

3. I think your wedding day is already a big amount of pressure. If you add to that loosing your virginity, its enough to send you over the edge!

4. It would be such an anti-climax. Your first time isn't fun (or at least I don't know anyone who says it was for them). It's not a movie. The first time is awkward, fumbley and something you just want to forget for the most part. That's not what I would want my wedding night to be like. I think you need to practice on a few Mr Wrongs before hand, so when you do find Mr Right, sex is good!

5. By far the most important one for me, is that I honestly think by waiting until you are married, you are so much more likely to rush into marriage.

I realise the disadvantage list is longer than the advantage list, but if this list was written by someone who had chosen to hold off, they would probably have a lot more advantages that I haven't thought of.

Actually though, none of the points on my disadvantage list are why I chose not to wait.

So why did I choose not to wait?

I don't see myself ever getting married. It's not that I don't believe in marriage. I do. If money was no object, I think it is something I would want to do. Until that time though, I just feel that with weddings being so expensive, there are lots of better things I could do with that amount of money. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me I love someone. I guess that could change though if I met "the one". So if I waited until after marriage, there's a fair chance I'd be waiting my entire life.

The strange thing is, when I came up with the idea of writing this post, I stopped to think about why I hadn't waited. Some of the points on the disadvantage list made cameos, but the main reason was the one stated above that I can't see me ever getting married.

As I was writing this post it occurred to me that they are all reasons I have thought up after the event due only to this post.

When I really think back, the true answer to why I didn't wait is that it didn't even enter my head that it was an option.

As an atheist, I had no religious reason to wait, and it would never have occurred to me that people wait for non-religious reasons.

So I guess the true answer to why I chose not to wait is that I didn't consider it as an option. If I had, I still don't think I would have waited though, and that is for the reasons stated above.

Did you wait/not wait? Why? Let me know in the comments :)

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Can Friends With Benefits Ever Truly Work?

I've heard a lot of discussions about whether or not friends with benefits is ever really possible. I think the answer is both yes and no (way to straddle a fence!). Seriously though, I say that because I think it depends on the situation and the people involved.

Firstly, I think for it to work, you need to have an honest conversation about it - decide how it will work for you.

Is it just a casual thing if you run into each other, or will it be planned?
Are you ok with 3am booty calls?
What happens if one of you meets someone else?
What happens if one of you decides they want more?

If you can come to an agreement on these points, I think it can work. If the thought of having this conversation with someone horrifies you, then I would question how you would feel comfortable enough to have sex with them.

I believe for this to stand a chance of working, you have to maintain honest communication and have some sexual chemistry.

I guess that leads to the question of if you are that close to someone you can talk openly, and you have great chemistry, why wouldn't you want a relationship with them?

Maybe you just aren't in a place where you want a relationship with anyone.
Maybe, for all of the above, you still know deep down that a relationship would never work long term for whatever reason.
Maybe you just want hot sex without any strings and don't like the idea of trawling bars and going home with a stranger.
Maybe you just don't want to put a traditional label on it and put unnecessary pressure on it.

Whatever the reason, I think you can make it work.

Where it doesn't work, is if you don't talk about it, especially if one of you has feelings for the other one. Then I think you are entering territory where someone is being used.

I don't think this can ever work if one of you secretly wants more and hopes it will grow into something. You will come to resent the other person, and feel used, even though they have no idea you feel this way. In turn, they will resent you for making them feel bad when they thought you where in the same place as them.

Ultimately, I think with honest communication and mutual respect, you can make it work, and still be friends at the end of it.

Without communication, it could be that one of you thinks you are in a relationship, while the other one doesn't.

Remember that scene from Community where Jeff is hooking up with his teacher?
I can't remember the exact wording, but it's something along the lines of her asking how would he describe her after sleeping together every night for three weeks if not his girlfriend.
He responds "the best friend ever!".
You know that's going to get pretty messy!

What do you think? Can it ever work or will it always end up messy? Have you/would you ever try this type of arrangement? Let me know in the comments :)

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Why Are STDs Still Seen As Taboo?

A couple of weeks ago, something happened to me that got me thinking about how we view STDs.


I'm one of those people that isn't really bothered what opinions complete strangers may or may not have of me, and (believe it or not!) I'm not someone who is embarrassed easily, so my reaction to this situation surprised me, and got me thinking.
So what happened?
In my regular doctor's surgery, there are two main doctors and one locum doctor. Around three weeks ago, I had ran out of contraceptive pills and called my surgery to make an appointment to renew the prescription.
I was informed by the receptionist, that all at the same time, one doctor was on holiday, one was on the sick and the locum doctor had received some bad news and had to return home to his family. I told her what I needed, as it wasn't personal, and asked if there was a prescribing nurse. There wasn't. She advised me to call the drop in clinic and make an appointment at the family planning clinic there, which I did, and was given an appointment for the next day.
Now maybe I'm naïve, but I was expecting a family planning clinic to consist of other women seeking contraception, maybe some couples who needed help getting pregnant, maybe even some women for mid wife appointments.
What I wasn't expecting, was a sexual health (or GUM) clinic. I'm not sure if the receptionist intentionally misled me, or if they now combine the two. There wasn't any women or couples there, there was me and three boys who looked to be in their late teens.
I try not to judge people who I know nothing about, but in this setting, naturally, I made certain assumptions about why they were there, and I'm sure they did the same about me.
So we all sat in the waiting room, playing on our phones, not daring to look up in case we made unintentional eye contact.
I was called first to my appointment feeling kind of smug - they only take your blood pressure, so I wouldn't be in there long enough for anyone to assume I was being treated for anything! Wrong!
Because I had never been there before, they had to take all my details, including a full medical history, then the printer wouldn't work for my prescription. I was in there about 45 minutes.
All smugness gone, I slinked out of that room like a dog caught stealing the Sunday roast. I know everyone was looking at me, and wondering what was wrong down there!
In reality, probably no one thought anything except thankful that I was finally out and not holding them all up anymore, but I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. If we weren't on the second floor, I may even have attempted to climb out of a window!
And that's when I started thinking about we view STDs as though they are some dirty little secret. I'm not suggesting they should be worn as a badge of honour, but surely we should cut people who have an STD a bit of slack.
Before you turn your nose up in horror and start with the slut shaming, consider this:

Can you honestly, hand on heart say you have never once slipped up? You never got carried away with a partner before you had tests done? You know 100% that never in your entire life has a partner ever cheated on you?

Having an STD doesn't necessarily mean you have unprotected sex with strangers (and even if you do, does that give anyone else the right to judge you?). It could mean you got married as a virgin, trusted your partner and he/she cheated and caught something, passing it on to you.
Maybe those boys in the clinic that day (who I admit to pre-judging) were there to get a clean bill of health so they and their partners could both be comfortable in the knowledge they were safe. Maybe they were there to get some condoms. Or maybe they did have an STD. Does that make them bad people? No, it doesn't.
We wouldn't judge a person for catching a sore throat, or an upset tummy, so why do we still insist on judging people for catching an STD?
I learned a valuable lesson that day, and if I ever find myself in that situation again, I will hold my head up high, and make eye contact. Truth be told, I probably won't, but I sure as hell won't be judging the other people there!

What do you think? Would you have felt uncomfortable in this situation? Do you think we judge others too harshly? Let me know in the comments :)

You can find me here: Twitter Bloglovin Pinterest and Instagram Please do stop by and say hi!

Guest Post: Let's Talk About Sex...After Natural Childbirth by Janet Cooper

Today's post is a guest post from Janet over at Rambles, Rants and Writings about something I personally think people avoid talking about, but should be talked about more often. I think it is a genuine concern for some women, and by talking about it here, I hope to help some of those women.
If you haven't had chance to visit Janet's blog yet, here is a little about her:

Janet Cooper is a graduate of English and Creative Writing BA (Hons) and is currently studying an MA in English Studies.  She currently runs her own business as a freelance and online Tutor/Assessor, but hopes to become an English Lecturer or work in a role that utilises the creative element of her degree.  She is a published writer and has other publications currently on the horizon.  She is a keen blogger and social networker, and was appointed as the Copywriting Team Leader for Spectral Visions Press in January 2015.   

And now for Janet's post, I hope you all enjoy it!

Let’s Talk About Sex… After (natural) Childbirth

The thought of sex after the birth of your first child can be a very daunting, even scary, prospect.  There are a lot of worries surrounding this delicate topic, for instance you might be concerned that you are not the same down below, or that it will feel different for your partner (not as good for instance), or that it will be uncomfortable.  The fact that this isn’t an ideal topic of conversation also makes it a very isolating issue.  Some are comfortable discussing their concerns or trying to find out what is ‘normal’ – if there is a normal that is, but others are private and don’t feel this is something they can discuss.  I am here to share my own experience after giving birth on three occasions – let’s break the stigma, let’s talk about sex AFTER childbirth. 

The truth is, you don’t need to worry and you are not alone!

I imagine that it is different for everyone and obviously I am only able to discuss this from my own personal experience and view point.  After a natural childbirth bleeding for several weeks is common and for me, one of the main issues was that I didn’t feel fully clean and fresh.  When you choose to have sex for the first time, it should be a personal choice and decisions often relate to the heaviness of the bleed, whether you feel up-to-it, and whether the birth was traumatising too.  I always made sure that I felt ready, that I was prepared, especially after my first child.  Don’t forget that there are other ways of being close to your partner, and your partner will want you to be comfortable – the chances are they will not want to make you uncomfortable. 

My partner and I are really close, we are good friends and it’s simple, we talk about everything.  We have a mutual respect for one another and can talk about anything.  Talking through my worries helped and we agreed to try when I was ready and he said ‘tell me to stop if it’s uncomfortable’.  He completely put my mind at ease by being gentle, and asking if ‘it’ was OK.  Knowing that he took my feelings into account and cared enough to put me in control was reassuring.  After my first child, it was strange using a condom whilst the contraceptive pill kicked in but to be honest, that was the only thing I found strange – there was no pain and I had worried over nothing!

Don’t put pressure on yourself – give yourself a break!

I have heard others say that they lost their sex drive after childbirth, and this can also be perfectly normal.  We are all different and some need more time than others.  You have squeezed a baby out of a tiny hole – I mean jeez, if you don’t feel like sex for a while just give yourself time.  You are also adapting to parenthood and it’s hard work!  Give yourself a break and don’t worry about it.  If you do find it becomes a problem then seek medical advice.  A lower sex drive can happen due to worrying and tiredness so don’t give yourself a hard time.  Make time to resume intimacy – kiss and cuddle with your partner, and relax.  Everything doesn’t have to be about sex and it may just be that you feel distant due to this new addition in your life, so get the closeness back and spend time together and it might just happen – you don’t need to plan it (although you may get disturbed now you have a child lol).

This is all strange for your partner too, so talking can really help.  Remember to consider your partner’s feelings too, and they could be just as nervous as you are!

Just to put the ‘hurting’ theory to rest, my first try at sex after all three of my children – it did not hurt.  I’ve never needed stitches so it may be different for those who have, they might need longer to heal.  I do think that I personally worried with my first child as I tore slightly, not enough to need stitches but after childbirth urinating can sting, and anything else feels like your insides are falling out and I think that these being uncomfortable experiences is the foundation for this worrying ‘if it hurts when I go to the toiler initially, how the hell is sex going to feel?’  If you have had a traumatic time during childbirth, this could also contribute to the angst too but again, move at your own pace. 

If you do find it uncomfortable I would seriously suggest talking to your doctor or nurse.  Obviously, you feel different down there and you must keep up with your pelvic floor exercises to strengthen your bladder but most of us return to almost our previous selves pretty quickly.  Again if you are experiencing issues you should certainly talk to your doctor or nurse. 

Remember contraception can change the way sex feels too, so it may not be down to the effects of giving birth after all – condoms, if you aren’t used to using it as you have been trying for a baby, can make sex seem not as pleasant as it isn’t skin-to-skin contact.  

 

My Top Five Tips for Having Sex after Childbirth for the First Time

1.       Only attempt sex when you are ready – don’t feel pressured into it!

 

2.       Try to relax – take a bath before and after and create a relaxing atmosphere (candles, music, whatever is needed)

 

3.       Talk through your worries with your partner – what’s a relationship without honesty?  Talk to your partner – they love and respect you, and you show trust by confiding in them.  It’s a mutual thing!

 

4.       Start off slow, spend time together snuggling, and then see what happens.  Have plenty of foreplay, and only continue if YOU are comfortable.  Remember to allow yourself plenty of time to ease into it.

 

5.       Don’t be afraid to consult a health professional about any concerns – that’s what they’re there for.

 

 

You may have had totally different experiences to me, and if you are brave enough to share then please comment below.  Tell us, was it painful for you? What did you do? Did you worry? How did you overcome your fears?  Maybe you had a caesarean section – what did that mean for sex after child birth for you?  My three births were all natural, and pretty straight forward so it would be great to have a different perspective, so don’t be shy! 

 

Thank you so much for reading today, and don’t forget to stop by my blog if you get time!

Laters,

Janet

Time to show Janet some love! Visit her blog, and website, and follow her on Twitter and Linkedin. And don't forget to leave her some comments below!

September Theme Reveal

I can't believe it's September already, this year is flying by. But September it is, so time to reveal the theme for this month, which will be Love, Sex and Relationships.
Coming up this month will be my take on various love, sex and relationship themed topics, plus all your monthly favourites. Check in on the 6th for your chance to have your say!
As always, I am looking for guest posts for this month. Got something to get off your chest? An opinion to share? Your true love story? Anything love, sex or relationship themed will be welcome. Check here for more details and how to submit a post.
I'm really excited about this theme. When first considered it, I was in two minds whether or not I would be able to find enough to talk about to fill a month, or whether to go for a two week theme. When I really thought it through, I realised, like most things, I actually have a lot to say :)
If you have anything in particular you would like me to write about this month, don't be shy, let me know either in the comments, or via email.

You can find me here: Twitter Bloglovin Pinterest and Instagram Please do stop by and say hi!

F Is For Faking It!

Day 6 of my A to Z Challenge. F is for Faking it.

If you don't know how this works, I've posted the link back to the rules of the challenge at the end of this, along with a link to yesterday's post. If you want to read my full alphabet, just keep following the links. Each day has a link back to yesterday's post.


Think Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. Come on girls. Who hasn't done this at some point. Maybe not in quite such a spectacular fashion and probably not in a café, but it happens. Picture the scene - your partner has had his (for want of a better expression) and now he's determined to "finish you off". You know its not going to happen tonight for whatever reason, so to save his feelings, you fake it. Its probably more of a sigh or moan than on a full on "OH MY GOD", but it does the trick. When its a one off, I really don't see the harm in it. At least I didn't until a few years ago when I had the below conversation.
It was a few years ago but it's always stuck with me. It was with a guy and its always good to get their side of these things.
He said that faking it is pointless, because there are two types of men out there.
One that just wants to get his, and couldn't care less whether you enjoyed it or not, and that's just a waste of your acting skills!
The second type though, I hadn't really thought about, but he was so right. The second type is the man who wants you to enjoy it as much as he does. Now to me, he's the one that most women would fake it for to save his feelings.
The man I was talking to pointed out that this guy wants you to enjoy it. If you fake it, he thinks you have. So he now thinks that whatever he was doing, is what you like. He will now continue to do this, and you will either have to spend the rest of your time together faking it, or have an extremely awkward conversation! Neither way seems very appealing.
So I would say, if you have any intention of seeing this guy again, it's probably best not to fake it!


Follow me on Twitter @randommusings29 and feel free to comment :)


Link to rules: http://myrandommusings.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/a-z-challenge-whos-with-me.html




Link to yesterday's post:

http://myrandommusings.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/e-is-for-ebay.html

Sex, Lies And Gold Diggers

I was having a poke about on the internet the other day and I came across an article (I think it was on Buzzfeed, but I could well be wrong!) about lies men tell women to get them to sleep with them earlier than the would normally feel comfortable with.
A few of them rang true, and sounds like something you could perhaps fall for after a drink or 2 too many - come on we've all been there! For example, how he never normally does this, but your special etc etc. Basically enough of an ego boost to make you think why not. Then of course, you never hear from him again because if you really were special he would wait. In this situation, I do feel a bit sorry for the girl. She wanted to believe him, and made a mistake.
But the one that got me was the one were men supposedly exaggerate their job and/or income. Firstly, I can't believe any man would even think that could work.
Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, I can't help feeling that if thinking he earns more money makes a girl sleep with him, she sort of deserve to be burned. How shallow do you have to be for this to actually work? Can you blame the man for walking away? Maybe he even genuinely liked her until he found out she was a gold digger.
When I use the term gold digger, I don't mean a girl that wants a man with an actual job, so they can, at some point down the line, split bills etc, go on a nice holiday or two and live comfortably. I'm talking about the girl that wouldn't give this man the time of day until she discovered his 6 figure salary and now suddenly, she's in love with him.
Is it any worse him using her for sex based on the lie he has money than her using him for money based on the lie she actually finds him attractive? I don't think it is. What does anyone else think?


Follow me on Twitter @randommusings29 and feel free to comment :)