The End Of A Relationship: Moving On

Originally, this post was going to be ways to cure a broken heart. There are many schools of thought on this, ranging from have a good cry, burn their possessions, get horribly drunk, or move on to the next person. I don't believe any of those are the cure, they are merely something to fill the time until your heart heals. Because the simple truth is this. The only cure for a broken heart is time.

Over time, you will find yourself thinking of the person less and less, and when they do pop into your head, you might even smile at the memory rather than feel pain. When that happens, you are probably cured.

There are hundreds of books, magazine articles and songs dedicated to curing broken hearts. Can it really be that simple? Just wait it out? I think so.

Put on your "boy done me wrong" playlist, eat ice cream, scream and cry, whatever you want to do in the moment, but know that it will pass.

It might feel like your world has ended. It hasn't. One part of it has ended, but that's all. In time, you will find ways to fill the gap the relationship left, you will probably come to realise it was for the best. After all, if it was meant to be, it wouldn't have ended.

Here are three ways to fill the time and move on:

1. Career

Have you been thinking about going for a promotion? Changing careers altogether? Throw yourself into it. Use the extra time to research what skills you will need. Now complete relevant training, and offer assistance with projects that will help you build up the skills.

2. Hobby

Have you always wanted to write a book, paint, learn a new craft? Now is the time. Lose yourself in something you enjoy.

3. Travel

If you've always wanted to travel, then now could be the time. If money is what's stopping you, look into a working holiday.

Those all sound better than moping about over a failed relationship right?

If you don't want to commit to something big, why not just spend time with friends. Fill your spare time with fun activities. Laugh. Remember though, if some of your friends are mutual friends, it is unfair to put them in the middle. Just because your ex has broken your heart doesn't mean he/she is a bad friend. Don't make your friends chose sides. If you really need a good bitch about your ex, bitch to your non-mutual friends.

Now, turn off the done me wrong playlist, and play your "moving on" playlist. Think Cheryl's I Don't Care, Destiny's Child's Independent Woman, and Alanis Morissette's You Oughta Know. Turn the volume up, put on a slick of lippy and show the world you aren't broken!

What's your go to cure for a broken heart? Let me know in the comments :)

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How To Keep The Spark Alive On A Budget

Sometimes, when two people have been in a relationship together for a lot of years you can start taking each other for granted, and once that happens, I think that's when the spark dies. In the beginning, I think people generally make more of an effort to spend time doing things as a couple, but down the line, routine often takes over.
I think to keep the relationship strong, it is important to spend time together doing something fun, rather than just the day to day things. A lot of couples struggle with date nights, the most common reasons being time and money.
I think everyone wishes they had more time! But I also think if someone is important enough, you make time for them. Even if you only do a date night once a month, it's something to look forward to.
The money one can be a bit more difficult. Often, the spare cash you do have left after the bills is ear marked for things other than fancy dinners, trips to the cinema and drinks out. With that in mind, I have come up with a few ideas to keep the relationship fresh on a budget.

Have a dinner date - at home

 

If you both enjoy going for meals, but find the budget doesn't enjoy it much, recreate a dinner date at home. Presumably you were going to eat dinner anyway, so there is no extra cost.

Dress up nice as though you were going to a restaurant, set the table, light a few candles, play some soft background music and open a bottle (or two!) of wine.

 

Have a DIY spa day

 

The real beauty of this one is it doesn't actually have to be a day. If one, or both, of you work daytimes, have a spa evening. Get the fluffy robes out and give each other facials, body scrubs and massages. Take it in turns to be the one getting the treatment, or dedicate two separate days to it, so each partner gets fully pampered one time.

 

Theme night/day

 

I use the term theme night, but that may be the wrong word. Do you have any shared hobbies? If, for example, you both enjoy painting, why not paint together. Or do some gardening together. Literally any hobby you both share. Even reading - rather than sitting in silence, choose some of your favourite books and read them aloud to each other. Depending on where you want the night to go, you could make up silly voices for the characters and just have fun with it, or you could choose a Fifty Shades type scene.

 

Games night

 

This one can definitely be a lot of fun. You could choose board games, card games or video games. Whichever you are both most into. A bit of friendly rivalry never hurt anyone. If one of you is a particularly bad loser, you might be best off going for the video game option and playing a game where you team up!

 

In between date nights, especially if you don't have them very often, there are other ways to keep the romance alive.

 

Guys, buy her flowers or chocolates just because. Girls, do the same  (you wanted equality right!). It never fails to amaze me how many of my female friends moan that their partners no longer buy them little things, yet when I ask if they buy things for their partners, they look at me like I'm crazy!

 

And last, but definitely not least, there's the good old fashioned seduce the hell out of them!

 

Do you and your partner do things together to keep the spark alive? Any ideas to add to the list? Let me know in the comments :)

 

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Is A Relationship Ever Worth Fighting For?

People say if a relationship is worth having then you must be willing to stand up and fight for it.
I'm not sure I agree with this. Surely if the relationship really is meant to be, it wouldn't be a fight? I'm not suggesting that as soon as it gets a bit tough you just give up. What I am saying is that if a relationship feels like a constant fight, then maybe it's just not meant to be.
I think it depends on who you are fighting.
I quite like the idea of two people united, fighting the haters, the judgemental douchebags and the negative people of the world. Showing the world that love really does conquer all and nothing can come between them. That is a fight worth having.
I don't think a relationship should be a constant fight between the two people in it. Maybe it's just the wording, because I do believe in working on a relationship. Not taking each other for granted, making time for each other and so on. I also believe in compromise. No one should be "in charge" you're partners and as such, you have to have give and take.
It's normal to fight sometimes, and it often takes one of you to stand up and say we are worth it, we are good together, and we can rise above this issue.
If that is happening nearly everyday, especially if it's the same person who always gives in, then that always makes me think it's not meant to be and you're trying to force it.
Ultimately, I think when you are in a relationship, both partners should be happy. If you are not happy, then in my opinion, it isn't worth fighting for. If you are happy and its other people trying to drag you apart, then it is worth fighting for.
I think occasionally fighting for the relationship strengthens it. It shows you are invested in the other person and won't give up on them. If it is an everyday battle then I think it probably isn't meant to be and fighting for it is just drawing out the inevitable.
I think the worst scenario, is when one of you is so sure the other is "the one" you will do anything to keep them. You constantly fight for the relationship, often losing a part of yourself to adapt to the other person's needs. If this is completely one sided, then to me, that person was never the one. The one, your one true soul mate, whatever you want to call it, would feel the same about you, so you wouldn't be constantly fighting for the relationship to work, because there wouldn't be any reason to fight for it if both parties were invested in making it work.

What do you think? If you have to fight for a relationship, does that mean its forced, or does it just add to the strength of it?

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Gender Roles In Relationships

Women fought for years to have equal rights. The right to vote, the right to work for a fair salary and the right to work in a male dominated environment.

Along with that, women fought to no longer be the "good little housewife". Women no longer wanted to be the fairer sex, the weaker sex, the homemaker. They wanted to be doctors, lawyers, fighter pilots.

They wanted equality in relationships, to have an equal voice. To be respected rather than protected. To be taken seriously rather than patronised. To be able to be more than just a wife, to have their own identity.

In short, women fought for the right to choose. And, for the most part, we got it!

As a modern, independent woman who believes in equality (I struggle to use the term feminist), I sometimes feel like it can be a double edged sword.

Now, it appears that women somehow think they are "letting the side down" if they choose not to work. Surely the whole point in fighting for equality was to give us the right to choose.

If a woman chooses to be a stay at home mother, or a house wife, is she really letting the side down? Personally, I don't think so. I think choosing this path is, in itself, holding the side up as much as choosing to be a career woman.

That housewife who is frowned upon for letting down her gender, and told women fought for her right to be more than a housewife, is actually a woman comfortable to make the choice to live life her own way. To say this is what I want and I'm dam well going to do to it! I say good on her.

I sometimes think it would be nice to have days where you don't have to be strong, and fighting for the cause. Some days, it would be nice if your biggest worry was whether or not your husband's tea was on the table on time. It would be nice sometimes, to be able to let someone else do the worrying about finances etc, to be kept in the dark and told everything would be ok. And to be able to believe it, and let your partner deal with it without feeling like a failure as a woman.

Obviously, some of that last paragraph was a little tongue in cheek, but I do think that having traditional gender roles in a relationship can work, as can the opposite, and everything in between. I think it is down to the two people in the relationship to adopt the roles that feel right for them. If that means the woman has a career, while her husband stays at home, then great. If it's the other way round, also great. Or you might both choose to work.

I don't honestly know which role I would want. Some days, I feel like it would be nice to let someone else do all the worrying and budgeting, other days I would be perfectly happy to be the one doing it. Either way, it's good to know that whatever I chose to do I actually wouldn't be letting the side down. I would be saying I have made a choice and this is it!

What do you think? Do you ever miss more traditional roles in relationships? Do you feel like you are somehow letting the side down if you don't have a high flying career? Let me know in the comments :)

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September Theme Reveal

I can't believe it's September already, this year is flying by. But September it is, so time to reveal the theme for this month, which will be Love, Sex and Relationships.
Coming up this month will be my take on various love, sex and relationship themed topics, plus all your monthly favourites. Check in on the 6th for your chance to have your say!
As always, I am looking for guest posts for this month. Got something to get off your chest? An opinion to share? Your true love story? Anything love, sex or relationship themed will be welcome. Check here for more details and how to submit a post.
I'm really excited about this theme. When first considered it, I was in two minds whether or not I would be able to find enough to talk about to fill a month, or whether to go for a two week theme. When I really thought it through, I realised, like most things, I actually have a lot to say :)
If you have anything in particular you would like me to write about this month, don't be shy, let me know either in the comments, or via email.

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The Relationship That Made Me Grow Up

I wrote this when I first started my blog. I fully intended to post it at the time, but when it came to it, I bottled it. Its such a personal post and I decided against posting it. I was talking to another blogger today on Twitter and she inspired me to bite me lip, close my eyes and just hit publish. So here goes...


When I was 20ish, I met this guy. He was funny and always the life and soul of the party. He was different from my usual type - the brooding bad boy type - and I figured he would probably be a better long term prospect than that type. Long story short, we got together, and eventually got engaged and I really thought at that time he was a keeper.
I was so wrong. As we spent more time together, I realised he was the life and soul of the party because he was always drunk. I was young and stupid and figured this was no big deal - life's about having fun right? We all drank too much then - we were at that age were we went out a lot.
As we grew up, the rest of us (myself and our friends group) grew up. He just got older. We all settled down a bit. We still had nights out obviously, but he still drank everyday. By this point it was obvious  to me that drinking had gotten a hold on him. But I was in by then, I'd made a commitment, and I felt I shouldn't just walk away from it.
I thought he'd change, it would just take time. I was still naïve enough at that point to think there could be a happy ending. We'd beat this thing together and live happily ever after. My mistake was in assuming he wanted to change. He didn't, but of course I couldn't accept that. It was painful to say the least to watch him on this spiral of self destruction.
Everywhere we went he was drunk - he showed me up in public so many times, and my life became a constant circle of cleaning up his mess, apologising to people for his behaviour, and of course making excuses for him. I could see the pity they felt for me, and I think that was the worst part. I became that girl people felt sorry for. The girl they talked about on nights out. The girl no one wanted to be. Yet still I didn't leave.
We fought a lot. I left and came back. I became someone I didn't want to be - nagging all the time, crying too much, avoiding social occasions - and I couldn't see a way out. I gave him ultimatums, he ignored them and then I'd get the apology and how it would be different, and of course I gave in. By then the love was gone. Some days I actually hated him. We spent less time together because I couldn't stand to be around him. By now you're probably wondering why I stayed. I would be if I was reading this. At that point, I didn't have an answer to that - I couldn't even explain it myself yet.
For certainly the last year of the relationship, maybe more, he was an alcoholic. I hate to say that even now, but it's the truth. He was. Things eventually came to a head when we went on holiday with some friends. I realised how far out of control he had become and I left again, this time for good.
I became me again, this nagging, down trodden woman was gone. I look back over that time and realise I never want to be that person again. Ever. She was weak and wet and if I met her I would want to shake some sense into her.
About a year after that, a friend of mine went through something similar. She left and felt really bad about it. We were messaging about it one day. At the time, I thought nothing of it, except from her point of view.
A while ago, I was looking back over some old messages, trying to find a date and that thread was still there. I was curious about it as I don't really see her anymore, so I had a look. One of the messages I'd sent to her said "you keep hoping that one day, you will be more important to him than the next drink". Newsflash - that wont ever happen.
It was the ones after that got me though. I sent her a message saying "leaving doesn't mean you have failed, and you are not a bad person for not wanting to stay". And that was when I realised. I had stayed for so long not out of love, not because I seriously thought he would change, not because of the commitment I had made, but because in my mind at the time, to leave meant I had failed. It was only when I told someone else they hadn't failed that I realised it was true for me too, and that's when I finally let go.
Now, I'm working on not letting past mistakes affect my future.
Well that turned out to be longer than I expected. If you're still reading I hope my rant didn't bore you too much!


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